Looking above

dear father in heaven, Its been a wonderful journey. This life that you have given me UPS and DOWNS, this wild ride has been a good one as much as I would hate to admit it those that came, those that left those who loved and those who I came to love and also to them who were hard to love the heartbreaks, the heartlifts thumbs up, thumbs down. wow girl! I am really in AWE!! how come and how can it be.. so much in so little time. still felt like eternity but ain't we all that an eternity all by ourselves an eternity all by myself looking back, looking ahead give me some more of that what keeps me alive that which keeps me going that which pulls me off my comfort zone and scares the hell out of my soul give me some more of that what keeps me alive

Cheers to the weekend and Good energy!

Look who's here! its the weekend! That means catching up on laundry, cleaning, changing sheets, grocery list, TV programs, having a sit down breakfast, family and sigh! the list goes on. When I was younger it was meeting friends, shopping, sleeping till noon, staying awake till dawn, having a large breakfast, movies, visiting houses and just planning all fun. Not that I have no time for these now, but priorities holds importance. I wouldn't dare to think who will do the laundry or change sheets or do the grocery if I just plan to take an off for a weekend. It will pile up, I know and I am not ready for the aftermath. In the midst of these chores, I do enjoy my solitude like right now as I type these words out, the washing machine motor running in the background, the birds chirping in and out of my balcony, the candle flame dances in the gentle air of the room, and the peace and stillness of not having a soul around is one of the best part of my weekend. These moments comes less and often but it comes. The weeks doldrums and dramas and dealing with so many and so much sucks out my soul. there isn't much tolerance for me these days to indulge in conversation so fake-ness of peoples smile and concern. For me even "how are you's?" seems over bearing cause I am actually doing fine until that you ask me. Good energy it is than forced conversations. A lot spoken in silence than in loud groups. A beautiful smile than worthless feelings. Now ain't I just glad the weekend came not because I can go party outside but have party within myself. Sending you loads of peace and love and light xx

Gratefulness

To have your larder full, every shelf in the refrigerator lined up with different foods of your choice, every drink you could think of, and plus many more pouring out of cupboards that cannot fit in. You know when the gas gets filled each trip, the conveniences of transport available for to move from A to T even X, Y and Z. The girls and boys, men and women, different people in general, their habits, their attitudes, their goodness and also the ones with not so much goodness, their interaction with you, their blessing for you and yours for them. The pets we have and the pets we know of near and far. the birds in the air, chirping at the break of dawn. The smell of summer, the crisp winter, the showers of rain drops. The clothes you wear and those scattered around the room, the makeup on you that brings out that extra oomph! The aroma of coffee brewing, the fragrance of your perfume, the smell of those flowers in your garden. From the sunrise to the afternoon haze, the cool evenings and the wonderful sunsets we ma have seen a all the days of our life. What else and what more the list is endless cause we owe so much- so much gratitude to the almighty, not just to the big and profound but also to the tiniest minute of things around and in us. Lets say and give and practice more and more gratitude cause thats only enough for us to have a wonderful life. The rest will come. Breathe in, Breathe out- PAUSE for a moment of gratefulness, all that is given, can also be taken. Love and be loved, don't waste yourself pondering over things that trouble you. We are not promised days of no trouble but promised days of strength to discern and get through. Who said it was easy, but it's not impossible. Ask me, I'll tell you of the heart that's broken over and over reduced to nothing and yet has risen from the dust and I have nothing but gratefulness to give. I have lived to tell that not for one moment would I turn back time to be my old self again.

Cycle of life

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Every second, every minute, every hour, every day, every week, every month and every year tick, tick, tick goes our biological clock. It's not sudden when we look in the mirror and find ourselves with droopy eyelids, the corner creases, the smile, the confusion. It creeps in slowly yet steadily as we wake up each day and get so lost in our routine. A look back into those photos, a childhood friend reminding your good old days, your children as they grow so quickly. Just a reminder of our once fastidious mind that could hold so much is now dwelling within the concerns of our own home. We forget, we try to remember and not so long later we are confused, our hands start shaking as if we are left out in the cold without the gloves. As I watch my papa try hard to be that he was in his younger days, trying to keep up the same gusto while he was young assuring me that he is still upto it. I know he is not. His memory is fading, his arguments are invalid, his hands shake as he tries to press the number to dial on the phone, his family and fighting spirit is always on the front, a lot more than said. But he is still my papa. I didn't see my mum getting old. but something in him got put out ever since. His fear of being alone, his fear of his family not being able to be with him, his many other fears that I didn't see when my mum was there. All of a sudden it surfaced from no where. Prayers keep him sane and his children's visits and phone calls. Always boasting of what he is doing at his age while others are just whiling away. We let him speak and have an occasional argument. Like we would do while correcting a child. But we dare not keep the phone without making peace. This is just the beginning as I hear stories from friends and those close to me of their parents and worse if their partner would have passed away too soon. I soak it all in readying myself for the journey of the cycle of life.

Image in the dark

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I opened the fridge to keep some freshly bought mangoes and I spotted a can of coke!.
Not that its anything but a can of coke survived my fridge that too over a weekend and the highlight is I purchased it last week!
So that for me is a biggie! no Sodas have stayed in my fridge for more than 48 hours.
I have this full length mirror in my room and has been there for a while now, just last week for no apparent reason I stood in front of it after a shower, the bathroom light cast a shadow over the dark room (the curtains were given for wash) so I avoided turning on any lights in the bedroom to avoid any peeking Tom's (if there was)from the next building.
I stood there half in the light and half the dark and saw myself all wrapped up pretty in a towel, applying moisturizer to my hands and feet (you get the drill)
As I was reaching out for my clothes laid out on the bed, I saw this part of me, a side of me that i never saw in the light. CELLULITES! over the nook and corners of my body, I looked like a 80yr old (BTW I am 32). it scared me, how come I never gave a thought to this before. It seemed i recognised myself more in the dark than in the light. Now I am not big on exercise kind of person, but i am regular walker and not so very much into other fitness. Yes, I like my coffee and Tea's in sugar and full fat milk and the biscuits that go along with it. But C'mon! really!

Actually that night my body's image scared me so much, that I stopped- YES I stopped the consumption of Tea and coffee and all that gives me pleasure, the very next day.
You would wonder why tea and coffee first of all- because more than food that is the culprit where I happily drown spoonful of sugar and flow of fresh full fat milk in it.So that's the first thing I needed to stop.

How's it going till now not waking up to my cup of coffee? Frankly i do feel the pains and urges but its nothing compared to what I saw that scarred me of my image.
It's been a week now and these days i have been drinking green juices (barf) and getting used to it now very soon I am looking into these overnight porridges thingy. I am getting there. slowly and steady I am getting there.
So the next time my curtains go for wash, I will be able to stand and look and myself without a shock!

Eye twitches and Superstitons

No person i have met has been spared from tales of superstition. Even friends from the most progressive modern country also have their tales of granny said superstition.

It's been a few days since under my right eye has been twitching, I looked up the faithful Google what are the causes of it, it gave a number of symptoms to choose from which very much matched mine sleeplessness and stress. oh! perfect. Solved.

It did also give me the dark side to the effects causes and symptoms of eye twitching. hmm! it couldn't be that bad. I mean i know i have been struggling to sleep since a few days and its very common for me, since I have been struggling to sleep for a few years now actually. A few days is quite an understatement.

I took an "eye" pack from the fridge and kept it on my eye just to cool it down. The Eyes that used to be known as the window to the soul has been working overtime since the boom of technology and hasn't stopped since. It's been over worked and over tired and over used..Nowadays the eyes are known for the window to virtual knowledge.

In the middle of it all a weird thought passed my mind. If i had my crazy family with me they wouldn't be bothered with this medical term and all, they would be telling me "its a good sign" or "some good news is coming" or "a windfall of luck" especially the right eye means "more favor".
Can I tell you from the last 30 years any weird twitching or itching or hair falling or walking or talking none of these has ever come to pass. Where do these ideas come from? even asking the oldest member of my household left her clueless too.

I went back online to put eye twitching superstitions and voila! it was there, who needed my crazy family members to remind me when the internet is there?

ME.

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There is confusion inside me on whats happening outside me. its like a tricky play that the audience is kept guessing until the end, many get it halfway and some don't. that "some" person would be me. no matter all these years i have lived ups and downs, i thought i know it all, but there is something thats even more quizzical that comes along.

i have always concluded and spoken to people that my life is a drama. no matter how much i am away from it, its still there, catching up at every turn and meeting me with anticipation.

i even joked once and many times its better i go and give my story to some good producers atlas there will a motion series made for me to sit and look back at my own life. just played by someone else. i think its going to be hilarious, i mean after repeatedly inviting myself to unneeded situations, i still don't learn.

why are we surrounded by friends that have got everything going for them so beautifully? and yet our life so different 'alienated'? 

questions are too many to even ask, cause it all leads up to the same thing over and over- why me? or why not me? either way i keep making a fool of myself. questioning and unquestioning me over and over again.

i have begun to doubt my sanity. all these years no matter what kinda shit i have been through, i never doubted myself even for a second. but recently its like my existence? what is that? is it even legal for me to think like that or exist for that matter? seriously? 

everyday its like a juggle and struggle - that must say it. 

many days half written stories are left uncompleted on the paper, the book is closed and i don't look at it again. and when i do i tear the page and toss it

Fake nails...NOOOOOOOOOOO

Aaaaaarrrggghhhh! these lovely fake nails is driving me up the wall. I joined the band wagon after lot of persistence from my girlfriends about these gel nails that make your hand looks oh! so sophisticated, so posh and most of all so neat.
Don't mind they definitely do! everybody is like wow! are those real, it looks good, its amazing, while I am floating in a cloud of compliments and attention on my new found natural, sophisticated looking nails not to mention its given a whole new meaning and look to my otherwise ridged nail bitten, dinosaur skin hands.

It's lovely, really lovely.. Now you sure know this is not what I was writing for isn't it?

It's been 72 hours since I have had these on and in the first hour i couldn't even open a can of coke, infact the first day I couldn't do anything, my basic duties seemed like a task all in order to keep these nails on and not destroy them. buttoning my pant, touching, catching, cutting, washing my hair its like i am learning to use my hands again.
I think Edward Scissorhands is the right term. When i first saw the movie, I laughed hard everytime the actor tried to touch something without hurting them. I am glad I am the only one here laughing at my way of doing simple things.

To all those with naturally long fingernails and to all that you do keeping them so clean and lovely looking after a hurricane,

you ladies ROCK!

CRAVINGS!!

It's 2:49am and from the past 3 hours I haven't stopped thinking about food. Any form of food (edible ofcourse) fantasizing mostly about chips, fried plantains, PB sandwiches, sara lee's cakes the list is really endless!
This late night cravings have started since a week now, when i decided to stop shopping and stocking junk food. The force is so strong, its driving me crazy.
I have opened the fridge door endless times knowing what is in there, but just waiting for a magic that will not happen since i am the one who stocked it.

NO!! I am not pregnant or going through PMS or anything that defines a lady's cravings.
I am just harmlessly craving for food that dosen't exist and is not there in my kitchen cupboards or fridge and the weight that has piled on sitting comfortably in my body is not helping. thats where the decision came to stop stocking foods which I end up eating usually late nights.

After recently shifting house the convenience of walking down the building for 24hrs store also has been denied. Forget about 24hrs store I don't have any store with the 10km radius of my house and that also closes 11pm.

As i am scavenger hunt in my cupboard again for the nth time for food, I locate a noodles packet! maybe i could just microwave that and a hot cup of tea.

What Say?

Horoscopes!!

Every morning when I open my laptop and log on to the very famous domains of our times, i have this sneaky instant urge that's turned into a guilty habit of checking my horoscope. i know its harmless thing but after years of vowing myself to stop reading it.
No, i am not a believer because through the years
- i didn't encounter a red hair girl to give me something to hold onto.
- feelings for a special someone will come in to being
- my spirits didn't hit a high point in the next couple of days
- neither did I let anybody close to me put pressure into hasty decisions
and my predictions goes on and on (bearing in mind there are other half million with the same star as mine)
somehow there is a sneaky temporary happiness and I tell myself its the last time i am reading this one.
Since my younger days I've always been drawn to such kind of mysteries like palm reading, horoscopes, tarot readers and related things. When I was younger I used to walk with my grandma to the market almost daily and I used to see these people sitting on the corner street with a parrot inside a small cage, so as someone would go to them they would open the tiny gate for the parrot to walk out and pick a card and the reading would be done.
I was filled with so much fascination and inquisitiveness but yet I would never dare to go near them. Thanks to my grandma and the over protective family that used speak of so much horror about them. but still!
Am I a believer? No! of course not.
But still that rush when I open the newspaper, magazine, open webpages, etc. ahh! too many, too much. steal a glance.

My phone pings and as I click the image on the screen a picture with a girl with no hands and a caption on it- How will her future be determined? no hands? can it be read? ......
uh oh! here we go again!

Being myself

I am so happy in the company of my own self
in total bliss
with the birds chirping and the soft snores of my dog sleeping
closed in an apartment of rooms
away from human and their pollution
that which drains me physically and emotionally by so much that don't exist
I wonder if they feel that way about me too
does it show on my face, that i am really not into them, not into their conversations
as they jibber jabber about nothingness
do I have to roll my eyes?
or do I have to show how empty I feel ?
do I?
talk to me, talk to me about trueness that only souls can feel
about love that has surpassed so many lives
about those who survived the tests of time
about you, about me
Talk to me
and I will be yours till eternity comes
oh! I am so at peace just me in the company of my own self.

I don't know.......

I don't know why
When i stop to think of the days gone by
A gentle breeze flows over my mind
of you and me standing side by side
we were so happy together, still we couldn't make it all over
maybe it was me, maybe it was you
we have no right to decide
I think we gave up too soon
or maybe it was fate that gave up on us
I don't know for how long
but till now you are still the number 1
I hold you in my memory so tight
I think i if i let go, my whole world would fade and die
I wish i could turn back time and make everything like it used to be
But "no" the almighty wills the best for you and me
Not today or tomorrow or even after
But someday, somewhere together we'll be standing again side by side.

New Hope

This ground i stand
hard earth underneath my feet
I've walked this way before
time and time through
toiled at the days heat
everyday my hope hung to my faith lifted high
i knew i could give up, but then it was a risk worth a try
Yes, I've failed and broken
trampled and crushed
I couldn't be more shaken
Until I gave up my last sign of hope

Just then the light broke- into another day
A new breath i took to stay
My spirits grew and my faith renewed
The wars lost and the dreams that I forgot
came all true
in boxes wrapped in gold and blue
I shone like never before
the brightest and the star-iest
Could i have asked for more?

Alone with my thoughts

Sitting at cafe with a fresh pot of coffee and waiting for my cheesy pasta to arrive,

minding my own business and looking around cause the cricket match on the TV dosen't impress me so.

A casual look at the couples sitting and shyly smiling, ladies gossiping and laughs from nearby group of youngsters

All in their own little world of fun, frolic and a dark side that is diminished by their meeting. how else they sit cosily with each other?

the couples look so deeply into each others eyes, like making promises in the unknown future they may share, she blushes at his wink.

new love? 

The gossip about the brother's children and the school month distracted me, damn those ladies knew how to talk aloud. its a public place!

there was a time when people would huddle in groups and talk in whispers and now there is a time where a single person can be heard.

i didn't want to know about your childs lunchbox or how you tolerate your family visit. no i didn't want to know that.

As the baller hits another ball, there are cheers in the cafe as everybody knew the winning team.

Everyone owns their team in their hearts, in their minds in their wins and in their losses.

That's why there's celebration followed by tears.

I can see the waiter come from the kitchen door having a plate of pasta and a block of cheese on his tray, knowing its mine.

The joy in your heart, you know what I'm talking about

A man enters the door and walks over to the couples table that were so lost into each other, my favourite people in the cafe. walks over to the girl and plants a kiss on her lips and walks her out in to the street leaving the guy sitting alone. 

He knew. Alone once again looking out the window.

The waiter left my table. 

And i just sat there all alone.